young and free

'what do you want to be when you grow up?'
'happy'

this christmas is jam packed with activities, i doubt i even have time to breathe. just back from a christmas party, then there's another tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after the day after. this christmas will be so rushed, i dont have time to write my usual christmas letters to all my friends, no time to make christmas presents like i always do (even though last year's cookies were as hard as rocks. i have no cooking talent whatsoever) oh sigh. i wish i organised my time better to fit in the making of presents and writing of cards.

cannot comprehend why anyone would say christmas is unimportant / useless / waste of money. christmas has to be my favourite (and busiest) time of the year, filled with dinners, letters, love, turkey and log cakes. i love the feeling of christmas, the warmth, the decorations (whether nice or not) i love the christmas songs. i do miss the times where me and my cousins would go carolling in the neighbourhood. pretty bummed out that most of them think we're too old for that now. i cant possibly go around geekily belting out songs (off-key) by myself can i? i'll be in a mental instituition faster than you can throw eggs at me.
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weirdly, i cant decide if its better to have someone to miss, or not. i mean someone special to miss back home, in the romantic sense, unlike friends, or family, or the cat at the void deck. its always nice to know you're someone's everything, that someone really doesnt want you to go away. or perhaps the idea of somebody waiting for you to come home. buying presents suddenly becomes such fun as well. but maintaining a relationship halfway around the world is no fun at all. takes a whole lot of discipline, trust, mutual respect. (and lots of skype) no hand holding yikes. i dont think i have that much in me to trust someone so far away (no matter who it is, i've my own issues about trust) 

i've never tried missing someone really badly, or maybe i've never even tried loving someone really. i've heard songs, seen videos, read books about this four letter word that mean the world to people, but i've never experienced it, to the point that i question its mere existence. when i was young, love meant alot of kissing, riding on rollercoasters together, sharing food, allowing someone else to play your gameboy. growing older, i realised its so much more. its like sharing your gameboy and have it shoved back with its batteries out and a cracked screen. part of me feels like i'm missing out, yet another is screaming at me to avoid the inevitable hurt (that will follow) at all costs. and oh wells, its all for the better? lyrics paint love to be such a beautiful entity, or an ugly truth, its intriguing what it can morph into, given time. and the power to reduce someone strongwilled into mush fascinates me. 'seeing the future in your eyes' is hilarious to me at this point. we're too young to be seeing anything in anyone's eyes. i cannot imagine having someone restrict me from doing what i like, cant imagine having to 'report' to someone, or dictate my time with friends, and the pain that i've seen countless friends go through sends chills down my spine. i'm haunted by the idea of belonging to someone solely, and knowing fully well that they are allowed to leave anytime. not to mention the reliance and dependence on the other party that makes one vulnerable in every aspect imaginable.

brings to mind what my boss said after my very own mini heartbreak episode, never let yourself love the guy more. thats true to a certain extent, but what is love if it isnt vulnerable, unabashed, daunting, heartbreaking, oblivious? that said, i dont think i can ever tolerate infidelity, whether emotional or physical. it belittles a relationship in its entirety, and seeing some friends crying over their partner's indiscretions (and then taking them back) always makes me feel so sorry for them, but wonder about my own stance if i'm ever in their shoes. i wish i could say they're stupid and yell at them to wake up, but part of me isnt strong enough to be sure.

i'm totally digressing but i'm just thinking, i can never fathom not having control over your own emotions, and letting someone else have the upper hand over your mind, heart, actions, or allow them to compromise your values and principles in any way. i never did really get my heart broken, got it scratched, but never torn. just because my heart is still intact, maybe i guess i'm what you would call lucky. 

i really should be sleeping instead of pondering one of life's biggest questions. gd night, all you kids in the carousel.
tomorrow's christmas dinner with the 8 will be awesome i know. cannot wait to see them! (mental note to self : order family's christmas log cake and turkey. i am such a huge procrastinator i swear)

 

i'm counting down, another two weeks to leaving! havent packed my bags, (or made any remote packing list even) havent replied the university in europe over what courses i'm going to take. already i'm feeling the jitters, like what if there is no popiah, or springrolls to eat. and what if its so cold i freeze in my room and nobody discovers me until 3 months later. i'm intellectual like that. BUT i did get my little cosy unit! i'm gonna be staying alone. very independent girl here mind you (yes, hence the worries of dying and going unoticed)
oh and yes, the above smiling picture of me and conns has absolutely nothing to do with whats underneath the cut (or this entire entry). i just figured that a picture would be good. cause floor plans are boring. its like asking me to look at a wash basin, or stare at a goat. really boring and brain-mass reducing stuff. would have liked them not to send me a floor plan because i want to be surprised. but oh wells, since they did... (now at least i know where my toilet bowl is)

( really boring floor plan of my lil finnish unit )